i shed tears in class

i sat in class tonight – the one that i attend only once a week for an hour –
and i couldn’t help but hold back tears.
sometimes i feel as though no one else truly understands my heart.
sometimes i feel as though no one else truly understands their designed purpose.

i sit at the feet of wise words and guiding direction…
i have recently and often been challenged to contemplate my purpose in life.
why was i created? who am i to be? who am i now?

tonight we were going through Ephesians 5:21-33 and Colossians 3:18-19.
these passages overwhelm my heart yet satisfy my soul.
to hear in words tonight that i want to be in a relationship where i am HONORED –
wow.
my heart was verbalized.
i can only pray now that one day i will be in a relationship where i am VALUED and found WORTHY… because that’s all i want. i want to hear that i am valuable and that i am INDESPENSIBLE. because i was formed and CREATED to be an indespensible helper… that is my true nature! i am just waiting for that day when i am privileged enough to submit to one man… to voluntarily surrender my will to one man… not because i am inferior or incapable of things… but because I want to serve in that way… to RESPECT one man… because that is how I was designed! to have an inner character that reflects a quiet spirit and a submissive attitude.

i must learn to respect. submit.
i want to be honored. understood.

and wow, is patience hard.
i can’t wait for this relationship and yet i can’t even imagine the reality.
i struggle, i suppose.
with waiting. i guess even with growing while waiting.

that’s all for now.
but boy was it ever hard to not let the tears flow and cry out
“yes! i want that relationship! i want to emulate Christ and the church through my relationship with one man someday!”

it’s so easy to say “where is he.”
it’s so hard to say “how am i today?” or “am i ready?”

but i guess it’s not about being “ready”…
rather about what i’m doing during this time of waiting…
this is not loneliness. it’s more… i don’t know. contentment, perhaps?

i was created for big things.
i just can’t wait until i am paired with someone else created for big things, and together we explode and do huge things for Christ.

i’m crazy, i know.
whatever… i feel some things just need to be shared.

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About jlynne

[conversations are key.] View all posts by jlynne

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