one perspective on flirting

so if guys need to hear it from a girl, here it is…

guys – don’t flirt with girls.

…unless you’re generally interested in taking care of her heart.

flirting is “playful behavior intended to arouse interest” …
this sure doesn’t seem to be directed only to females.
the smirks and smiles, the extra glance, the lingering side hug…
beware that girls read into every little detail and dissect every extra ounce of attention.

does this mean girls are ok to flirt and only guys need to watch themselves?
of course not.
this mean that it’s solely the girl’s fault when she notices extra
attention and gives way to intentional flirting, looking for even more
attention from the guy?
of course not.

i think there is a wrong view of this entire subject which has left us blind to the real issue at hand.

Guys – realize this…

mean seriously, the first woman was created to be an “indispensable
helper” – to be one with man… created FROM man… so it is only
natural that a girl would feel the need to gain attention from a guy…
to desire to be looked at as someone who is worth the extra
conversation, the extra glance, the playful smile…

so most likely, if you offer it to her… she will take it.
and if she is able to gain your attention by such means… she will look for it.

is not about being hurt in the past… being heartbroken or an
emotional wreck… this is solely about being created to desire
attention and feel needed.
but there are times where the
broken heart takes longer to heal and the past stands in the way of
opening up or is hidden and covered by the search for inappropriate

but you know what i think the real reason for excessive and unhealthy flirting?

… it’s simple. it all lies in the misunderstanding of ones identity.
does one (not just guys, and not just girls…) use excessive flirting
to gain attention? because they have lost sight of their true identity.
and i don’t mean to sound cliche…
i truly, honestly feel… and have experienced… that a girl will use
excessive means of flirting NOT because they feel lonely, or abandoned,
or even really want that kiss… but rather, because they have
forgotten their identity in Christ. when one stops realizing that they
were created in the image of God… they stop recognizing, feeling, believing their worth. so they try to replace that “emptiness” so to speak.

girls flirt excessively when they have lost focus of their identity in Christ.
this is not just the perverted thinker, the apathetic Christian, or the
non-believers… this is for even the mature, “strong” Christian woman.

and i honestly don’t know “why” guys flirt… (besides the
obvious, physical reasons) but i can only imagine that this same
conclusion would apply. that a guy will give in to temptations and
sexual lusts or desires when they have lost sight of their identity in
Christ… when they have stopped focusing on who Christ is IN them and
what that looks like. and this is not just for the perverted,
apathetic, or non-believing guy…

i am by no means excusing any
form of excessive, sexually based flirting on behalf of girls… but
there is a lot more to it than meets the eye. and i don’t care how many
girls try to tell me it is possible to have a “random” make-out
session, or a merely “platonic” relationship or non-committed
friend-with-benefits… IT’S NOT. because we were created to want more… we were created to feel needed, and there are always emotions attached.

think the only reason a girl will flirt with impure intentions is
because she is no longer confident in who she is in Christ…
and more often than not, she will “flirt” to see where she can get that extra ounce of attention that she is craving…
if the guy offers to give that attention, then it IS the kind of
attention she is looking for. it’s just found in the wrong place, at
the wrong time.

i don’t think flirting is all wrong.
but i don’t think it is always healthy.
and i think it has a tainted perception in today’s society – especially the “Christian society”.

Guys – take responsibility for your actions.
just as easy for you to flirt with girls and lead them along… the
more often you flirt with her, the easier it is for her to play with
those thoughts and look for something more… to create that
“relationship” in her head and play around with those thoughts… to
dwell on the potential and the possibilities rather than focus on life
at hand.
if you’re not interested in taking care of a girl’s
heart… then by all means, don’t give her the extra glance, the hidden
smirk, or the lingering hug. and especially don’t blame the girl for responding to your actions. if you start it… she’ll often let it linger.

and Girls – just be smart.
if you want to be worth it… if you want to FEEL worth it… wait to kiss the guy who will jump over walls to find out who
you are. and there’s that cliche phrase about how a guy should have to
go through Christ in order to figure out who you are… because you are
so engulfed by Christ himself. remember… it’s an identity issue. we
were created to want, to desire, that extra attention… but it means
nothing if we are left empty at the end of every night. and perhaps if
we are blessed enough, one day there will be one guy who comes along
and just radiates Christ at a level that accelerates where we already
are and will only continue to push us closer to who He is.

… hmm.

i’m just tired of always being told that i wouldn’t get myself into
confusing, complicated situations if i would just stop flirting with
the guy.
… to what extent does the guy have to step up and take
responsibility and admit that he never should have given me the extra
attention in the first place?

i’m working on this flirting thing, really i am.
i’m not sure i have it all figured out.
but one thing i know… i’m tired of hypocrites.
meaning, i’m tired of myself.
and i’m redefining who i am…
to recognize who i am IN CHRIST. (thanks, pastor rob)

then again, perhaps all of this could have been said in a much simpler phrase:

if you don’t want to worry about the consequences of flirting, and are
worried about your mind wandering in an impure direction… perhaps you
shouldn’t sit on that couch with your arm around the girl during that
and you especially shouldn’t tell her that it’s her fault for flirting in the first place.

maybe then we wouldn’t even be having these kinds of conversations.


About jlynne

[conversations are key.] View all posts by jlynne

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