sing to me… and we’ll begin again

[put your coat on, this city trembles. keep your chin up, as you untangle God]

the subtle orange glow outside the frosted window brilliantly illuminates the showers of delicate flakes that beckon my thoughts to drift in their direction. just minutes ago i scattered my thoughts into the frigid air as i shifted my feet across the crunchiness of the frozen ground covered lightly by the pure white snowflakes. i turned once to realize my stomach was still twisted in knots and the tears at the corners of my eyes threatened to fall into icicles at any moment…

[cursive bloodlines write every forecast: an orchestration of… dissonance and innocent surrender…]

i cannot say what it is tonight that has left my head spinning and my stomach at a loss for any appetite… i wonder at moments like these why tonight is any different than a few nights before. tonight my heart feels as though the ground must feel when winter nights hit… to be left frozen and forgotten, in a dull and dreary state that goes unnoticed. tonight all i want is to lie down on the frozen dirt and be covered by the pure white snow.

[when our color dies, we will bury the ashes of time… and we will earn new eyes]

there is one wave of warm air that welcomes my entrance back into the low lights hanging from the corners of my room as though icicles were clinging to the walls in a comfortable state. i scrape one match swiftly towards its brief purpose and impending demise… to watch the glow dance in shadows across the warmth of the walls… to allow the peppermint aromas to permeate the room momentarily while i grab my tools for capturing this moment in what few words may be floating around.
there is a moment where i briefly open my phone to make sure i did not miss a call or a message from you. of course i knew that i would not. but on nights like these, i like to presume that perhaps there was something i didn’t know… or that something changed when i was not looking in your direction…

[wrists get tired of rewriting futures. our bodies beg us to be creatures of habit… (we are creatures of habit).]

i must say there are moments where i am able to look back on previous years and realize i am blessed. for those odd, strange reasons… where i am able to say that i have loved… and i have lost… and for it, i am blessed. i am privileged to have the right to say that i have known a love that truly placed its hand in everything i did… that engulfed my entire being… to know that love as greater than myself… to have known a sacrifice at such a level that all else appeared trivial. for love was created to keep friends and pull them closer…
and to have lost… to have felt true pain… to have everything taken out from underneath my feet without a moment’s notice – i am in awe of this feeling even yet today… but i know what it is like to have your stomach turn at the glance of food or the tears to well up when distraught even over the mention of a meal. to have lost so great a part of my life has of course proved a blessing over the years… for i would not appreciate nor recognize love otherwise…

and yet… and yet there are nights like such where i do not feel blessed. and i am rather fearful of who i have become and the fears of who i shall be.

[Sing to me a prayer of hope and strength. I will sing to you as if my chest is glass.]

I wish I could take every twisted knot in my stomach and walk away… there are moments where I wish I could turn the clock several days and take better care of you…

[As we build, please give us solid ground. When the rain becomes a flood,
I believe that we will find… tree branches to climb. Far, far, far from here.]

I am waiting yet on my tree branches to climb out of the stagnant waters…

[When the weather settles down, we will search through this mess… where I believe that we will find, through things left behind, the place where we began.]

Perhaps the hardest parts are the moments where I am so ready to pick up my phone and share my excitement for the snow falling on my eyelashes, and i know that you will not respond. So my phone lies out in the open, unused on the surface of my blankets.

[sing to me, please sing to me… always through these times, and we’ll begin again]

my heart is crying out in one direction that sees that glimmer in your eye… that passion that resonates with few… that longing for something greater than yourself… than myself… my heart is craving that one moment where you will sing to me… that one instant where we will begin again…

[it always… it always starts like this. a harmless and simple thing to fix.]

and yet my head warns me to silence my heart in these moments. and the reality of life takes hold and now is when my stomach twists once again and the idea of you triggers that slow and solemn movement where my knees are drawn up to my chest, cradled by my arms… as my hair falls over my eyes i let just a few more tears fall…

[contagious and spreading quick… like cracks… in ice. wholly claiming our lives while we sleep.]

and as i once again gaze towards the frosted window to be captivated by the silhouette of each drop of snow against the pale orange glow of the street lamp… i must remember that tomorrow has yet to begin, and this tomorrow shall be covered with a fresh snow…

and perhaps today i shall catch your eye.
perhaps today i shall steal your subtle smiles and hide them away to spite the opposing remarks from reality.

[love is tension and thrill… we are diamonds… waiting to be found.]

Song excerpts in italics taken from
“Sing to Me” / “Heaven Breaks” / “Tension & Thrill” by Sleeping At Last

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About jlynne

[conversations are key.] View all posts by jlynne

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