the tears… streamed down

it is perhaps the most vulnerable feeling to put down the phone
and be overtaken by the flow of tears…
it is only then that i realize how alone i am in the house…
and even the puppy can do nothing but watch my sorrow expressed in sobs.
when all i need is a hug, my lonely self curls up and draws my knees to my chest
and i feel the bitter bite of self-doubt…

because my innermost being asks the question
“am i lovely?”
and “am i worth it?”

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

“Part of the reason women are so tired is because we are spending so much energy trying to “keep it together.” So much energy devoted to suppressing the pain and keeping a good appearance. “I’m gonna harden my heart,” sang Rindy Ross. “I’m gonna swallow my tears.” A terrible, costly way to live your life. Part of this is driven by fear that the pain will overwhelm us. That we will be consumed by our sorrow. It’s an understandable fear – but it is no more true than the fear we had of the dark as children.

… Let the tears come.
… Let it all out.

As Augustine wrote in his Confessions, “The tears… streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them it rested.” Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered. That’s not the way life was supposed to go. There are unwept tears down in there – the tears of a little girl who is lost and frightened. The tears of a teenage girl who’s been rejected and has no place to turn. The tears of a woman whose life as been hard and lonely and nothing close to her dreams.

Let the tears come.”

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

“Every woman I have ever met feels it – something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.

After all… if we were better women – whatever that means – life wouldn’t be so hard. Right? We wouldn’t have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feelunseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought – that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain – uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.”

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
:: Proverbs 4:23 ::

Your heart as a woman is the most important thing about you.

Think about it: God created you as a woman. “God created man in his own image… male and female he created them” (Gen. 1:27). What it means to bear God’s image, you do so as a woman. Female. That’s how and where you bear his image. Your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities – as a reflection of God’s own heart.

… every woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things:
to be romanced,
to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure,
and to unveil beauty.

That’s what makes a woman come alive.”

[ excerpts from Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge ]

Advertisements

About jlynne

[conversations are key.] View all posts by jlynne

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: