first – i’ve concluded today that every woman’s bathroom stall should come with a warning label when it no longer has toilet paper.
… it is dangerous to be a woman. yet so exciting.
i think perhaps the strongest, most challenging yet invigorating lessons i’ve learned throughout the past year is what it truly means to be a woman.
beyond the simple understandings of being created woman, from man, daughter of Eve, anindispensable helper longing for a shared adventure…
i am overwhelmed by a sense of need to be validated daily. this is perhaps the most challenging struggle – to know what i want to be… who i want to be… what i want that to look like… my dreams, hopes, desires… to know what i am excited for and what i want my life to look like in light of who Christ is, especially in relation to someone else for the rest of my life… and yet struggle with the not yet.
i struggle with patience.
i struggle with living in the here-and-now.
but i am excited to be a woman.
i am invigorated every time i sit and reflect on what that means.
anyway. i’m not sure if these thoughts even make sense or resonate with anyone else, but i must say that sitting through classes these days just brings me to the verge of tears…
to sit under the teaching of someone who is so passionate about other women understanding their purpose in creation – well, i’m just excited about ministry with other women, young ladies, hopeful teenage girls…
to sit under the teaching of wise men who radiate discipleship and ministry growth – to understand the foundations for what ministry truly looks like and to encourage others… me… to dream. to set forth a vision for what ministry truly is and how i am involved in that dream…
i have a hard time not crying in public these days.
ah, now i’m just rambling.
but really… warning labels on bathroom stalls.
i think it’d be a hit.
i wrote this (below) nine months ago.
i wish i would have made a decision then to follow the path of logic…
transatlanticism and my irrational emotions
so i have been wading through the thoughts in my mind…
as the logic approaches the debate with the irrational for quite some time now.
… i think perhaps the irrational has been winning out as of late.
and thousands upon thousands made an ocean
making islands where no island should go
as i sit in the silence of the debate in my mind, i have tunneled through
to a conclusion upon which i have realized…
that perhaps your slight avoidance or annoyance at my own confusion,
rests upon a lack of trust.
because either you have thrusted this lack of interest to my face to lightly step around the very wall of vulnerability that holds in it a morsel of trust,
or you genuinely lack interest in even the vaguest hint of understanding who i am or where i’ve come from… even pursuits of where i’m going.
the rhythm of my footsteps crossing through to your door
have been silenced forever more
i think i’m just too darn stubborn.
because the logic in the debate of my mind
presents a strong argument when viewing actions…
i realize that actions speak louder than words.
yet there’s something within me
that sees the fire within the glassiness in your eyes…
and the irrational just can’t let go of that which ‘could be’.
i need you so much closer…
i know better.
and yet i often allow my stubborness to win out.
maybe i just need to redirect my thoughts.
to realize that the logic of the debate holds a stronger point than the irrational.
… and the lack of interest stands stronger than the wall of vulnerability.
i am worth the pursuit that cries for my attention.
but i am not to allow myself to cry for attention that is not worth my pursuit.
so come on…
your eyes may be captivating,
but your lack of action has spoken so softly
to scream its subtle hints at a deafening pitch…
and for now i’ll allow the debate to continue,
whether it be the irrational tonight…
or the logical tomorrow.