how little ground i have

i have recently realized how little ground i have to stand on these days…
i am quite disappointed in myself sometimes.

today i am promptly humbled by the words of proverbs 13:3 and ephesians 4:29…

i have this need to write.
perhaps it’s a gift… or just a passion…
but my heart speaks through written words.

yet it is so easy for me to become weary and neglect the responsibility that comes along with my ability to express my thoughts through words…
and my heart is heavy as though it is lead… sitting in my stomach as i think about how strong of an impact this can often have… to reflect on my weariness and weaknesses and to realize my own shortcomings as of late…

perhaps i could state that i am saddened and disturbed by the log in my own eye…

::::::::::::

Two nights ago i went to Wafflehouse. It was shortly after midnight.
There I met Teresa.

Teresa was sweet… her short curly hair and wrinkle lines each expressed in their own way her wisdom through the years worn down by stories untold, yet surprisingly youthful in just the right light. I didn’t think i was talking that quietly, but she asked me to repeat my order several times. “I’ll have a coffee. And two eggs, over-easy, with hashbrowns and a side of bacon.” … “plain hashbrowns, thank you.” Matt’s expressive questioning for his own cup of coffee went unnoticed by Teresa during several stops at our table. We joked around with our lovely waitress several times, and she mostly just smiled at us… followed shortly by some smart joke and giving us a hard time, of course.

It was sometime during my second egg that Teresa stopped by the table again to ask how everything tasted and if we needed more coffee. She noticed John’s unique earring and asked why he did that, and if it hurt. As she poured more of the warm caffeine into my iconic ceramic mug, she proceeded to tell us that she could never get her ear pierced there… for she was deaf in her right ear, due to having a cyst of sorts that needed to be removed, leaving her with a hole in her head just behind that ear, and that an earring there would have been painful. Of course she also showed us this cyst-free hole… and no, I cannot describe it accurately, seeing as how I made the swift decision to look away. To be honest, we had no idea what to say. “I… I’m sorry?”

Even with our lack of comments, Teresa proceeded to continue with her story about how her husband had recently passed away… a year previous on Mother’s Day. “It’s hard,” she claimed, with tears brimming in her eyes. She was insistent on telling us why she was no longer a nurse at this point in time… upset and frustrated with the medical systems after losing her husband due to a staph infection and how no one else would take care of him, and she herself had to draw his blood. “I don’t believe it’s right,” she claims. Lord, give me the heart to listen and the words to say if needed. … I didn’t know how to respond to Teresa, to be honest. “I don’t think it’s right that they keep some people alive just to draw their blood, and wouldn’t even take care of my husband. I don’t believe God would want it that way.”

… Through the rest of the evening’s comments… despite my inability to finish my eggs during the story regarding staph infections and death… My heart was softened for this woman in the well-worn Wafflehouse uniform. I was glad to see on my yellow and white tab that her name was Teresa… I wanted to be able to jot down a note, written out to her name, to tell her that she was going to be in my prayers. She commended me for pursuing youth ministry… “those kids need someone to look up to… kids are great.” Of course, she also added in that John and Dave probably weren’t going to do much meaningful with graphic design (perhaps she didn’t understand the nature of this pursuit), and that Matt’s pursuit for engineering… “well, that’s great – not meaningful, but at least you’ll make a lot of money.”

I may not know much more about Teresa, but I know that God loves that child at heart. It was at the moment that I saw her eyes brimming with tears that I also recognized God’s love in her eyes. I’m not sure if she knows God as her Heavenly Father or understands who Christ is as her personal Savior… but my prayers are there, that I might one day rejoice alongside Teresa in Heaven…

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About jlynne

[conversations are key.] View all posts by jlynne

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