there’s something so… still… about the silence at this hour.
this stillness gives me time to think clearly. peacefully.
i rub my eyes and pull my knees just a little bit closer as i hunch over my thoughts from the day.
i just can’t get that question out of my head that she asked. “who do you want to be?”
… i guess i had never thought about it in that way before.
i couldn’t help but think about something i had written over a year ago.
… the butterflies in my stomach are a testament to the
silent thrills that shall forever remain secret,
as i slip once again beneath cold and crisp, lonely linens.
i’ve yet to dissipate the dreams from my sleep,
and reach further to grasp those distant memories.
“who do you want to be?”
to think about it that way… i want to be gentle. i want to be kind in my response. i want to be patient. but above all, i want to be honest. i want to have no regrets. i want to know that every ounce of love within me was outsourced in gentle honesty so that i can know i have wiped my own slate clean…
and here it is in silence. that i can see the pieces of my heart and mind come together much like that of a puzzle… i can figure little bits out at a time, but mostly it’s all still being spread out on the dining room table. i know it’s going to take much more time to decipher each piece and line them up where they belong. i don’t have a big picture to reference… i just have to trust that when the pieces fit together, the big picture will slowly start making more sense in due time…
i pull my knees closer again to my chest as i rest my chin in the midst of my thoughts.
the chill down my spine breaks the still of the moment.
… so i know who i want to be.