I have a hard time understanding God’s capacity to forgive and forget…
My thoughts feel so scattered. I find that I often like the stillness that comes in the quiet. I find it comforting. I need to clear my mind, but I feel as though there is so much up there all jumbled together that it will take weeks just to sort through the floating pieces. I have a hard time forming meaningful thoughts and at times catch myself not knowing what to say to people. So tonight I drove in silence while trying to piece together the thoughts on my heart.
At times I feel it would seem so much easier to be selfish in life. I want to say that my thoughts and feelings are the most important things that matter and if I am unhappy or upset, that is the way the rest of my environment should be portrayed. I want to hold hurt near to me as a sense of self-identity… a mark of significance in my identity versus that of others. Simply put, by definition, to be selfish is to be consumed with self. And it is natural for me to want to be consumed with myself… with my thoughts, my feelings, my hurt and pain…
I can’t get over the image of how this must affect God.
See… for as hard as it is for me to forget the hurt that I’ve felt so many different times from so many different people, how much harder must it be for God to forget the times that I have sinned and hurt Him… ?
Of course this monologue could continue in a lengthy discussion encompassing the Holy Trinity and sin nature… to understand my earthly identity from my spiritual identity, compared to the identity of God… but this is not where my thoughts are disconnected from my heart.
Really, I think I am just in awe of God’s capacity to love me. To forgive me and to forget my sins… to truly wash me clean when I say I am sorry and pursue me in a gentle manner that sets aside the hurt I have caused. And here I am having a hard time forgetting the times that I have been hurt in some form…
…who am I?
I deserve nothing, and yet act as though I have a right to carry around the weight of hurt that I feel. If I say I want to ultimately be like Christ… I must ultimately learn to live in the un-natural. It is unnatural for me to put my feelings aside and move forward in grace, yet this is what I want.
I want to be unnaturally forgetful.