i must consistently remind myself that this life is not about me…
some nights i feel so weak.
i don’t understand my emotions lately. i am in an entirely new state of mind that is so “abnormal” from what i am used to in life. perhaps i could describe this state of being as my joy being slowly swallowed by loneliness. it’s not just one thing… it’s many things. i feel as though i’m standing on the outskirts of humanity watching other people plan things, accomplish things, create things… watching other people being a part of something that i feel so disconnected from. i am allowing things to go straight to my heart and swirl around in my mind without my usual filter of strength, independence and humility. i feel selfish. ungrounded. confused. lost. lonely. i’m not just lonely from being single (which, watching handfuls of people around me buzz about their lives with a commotion of eagerness and coupled-connectivity doesn’t exactly help, either)… it’s an overall loneliness that speaks to not connecting with people the way i once did. or have. i can’t figure out if i’ve lost my appeal or i’ve become too selfish… am i making things up, or creating situations that are not really there?… do i have unrealistic expectations or hopes for relationships with people? am i too sensitive? am i too selfish? i have all of these questions with a lack of any answers.
Why should I feel discouraged?
Why should the shadows come? Why should my heart feel lonely, and long for heaven and home… for Jesus is my portion. A constant friend is He… His eye is on the sparrow, and I know… He watches me.