last year i found myself often lying in the dark and asking God for CLARITY… of all things, i just wanted an understanding. i wanted things to be clear. i feel there is so much uncertainty in my life and i wanted a visible road map for what is coming next in my life… i knew he was calling me to WAIT on Him… but i often found myself wanting to say “to what end?” rather than just sitting back and saying “ok.”
this year… i find the Holy Spirit tapping on my heart and kicking me down a few notches. how selfish i have been in asking for CLARITY when all he wants is for me to TRUST. i have a hard time with the unknown. i can “chalk it up” to my planner-personality or my desire to make clear, smart decisions… but really, i just have a hard time trusting. i have a hard time being dependent on others. i have a hard time letting go of control.
23 days into the new year and God is already rocking my world… He is continually reminding me that there must be a balance between [my responsibilities and my purpose for being on my own] and [waiting on Him to tell a greater story through my life, in His perfect timing] … He is reminding me that it’s ok and good to be strong and dependent and adventurous, but that this strength is not by my own doing… this waiting period in my life is not to show me that i can do things better on my own… it is all to remind me of how much I NEED HIM. i must depend on Him, not on myself. i must wait on Him, not on my own timing. i must TRUST in Him, not in what i can or cannot do.
so i’m changing a few things this year… i have started a whole new list of things i’ve never done before. i want to enjoy this spirit of freedom… to soak in this independence and singleness. but i’m not doing it to prove anything to myself. i’m doing this to continually remind myself that every day can be an adventure and that i can enjoy even the littlest of things. and i’m doing this to keep myself in a place of TRUSTING what the Lord has planned for me.
“… since we have been justified THROUGH FAITH, we have PEACE with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access BY FAITH into this GRACE in which we now stand. And we boast in the HOPE of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that SUFFERING PRODUCES PERSEVERANCE; perseverance, CHARACTER; and character, HOPE. And hope does not put us to shame, because GOD’S LOVE has been poured out into our hearts through the HOLY SPIRIT, who has been given to us.”
[ Romans 5:1-5 ]
this year, rather than praying for clarity in my time of waiting… i am going to be praying for the Lord to take over, as I learn to TRUST in His plan, rather than my own plans. you’ll see more posts about this “list of new things”… i’m going to embrace the adventure in my life… but i’m embracing these adventures because Someone Else is writing out my story, and I’m trusting that whatever comes along is so much better than whatever story i would have tried to write on my own.
this year: by GRACE, through FAITH, with HOPE…
for, “i am not my own.“