Tag Archives: journal

broken hearts.

once upon a time, a boy happened to break my heart. and i cried for weeks.

i cried, and i slept, and i cried some more. i barely ate. i barely spoke. i remember that this was the first time that i had ever felt such deep loss… the first time that i felt a sense of uncertainty about my own self and who i truly am… i learned a lot in those first few weeks of heart ache. i learned what it truly means to be solemn. what it means to give thought to everything and nothing at the same time. i questioned myself often… and for this, i am grateful. for it was out of this first broken heart that i started to recognize what i did and did not like in myself. and my eyes were opened to realize that not everything is what it seems… for sometimes, i create a picture in my mind that is not real life, but i pretend that it’s real anyway. i did not like this in myself. i want to be real and unashamed, but i do not want to create fairy tales and unrealistic expectations.

the next time that a boy broke my heart, i cried for days.

in these days i felt hurt and confusion. this heart ache stripped me of the good that i saw in myself, and left me battling a wall of bitterness. this was not ok. i learned much in these few days, of the need for space and separation. i learned that anger is good and true, but must not last longer than nightfall. i learned that sometimes it is more than good to just get away… sometimes it is the best medicine. so i got away… for several days. i learned that distraction is sometimes the key, and blocking out pain is not always good, but what is the point to dwell on that which once was, rather than clear the mind for that which could be the future? i learned that tears will still fall on the days you least expect them, but that time truly heals all wounds.

and the last time that a boy broke my heart, i cried for a night.

i cried for loss. i cried for acceptance of what is, rather than what will never be. it was in these tears that i felt the pain of sorrow, mixed with the freedom of acceptance. sometimes there is pain in the goodbye, but freedom in the sorrow. it was in these tears that i knew there was something greater, and often the hardest part is just letting go, in order to move towards letting someone in. it was in these tears that i felt that tug on my heart, promising that it will one day be restored. i knew that in these tears there would be a greater healing. and i know that there will be no more broken hearts…

and there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears…
and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears…
get over your hill and see… what you find there…
with grace in your heart, and flowers in your hair…

one day… love will not break my heart, but dismiss my fears.
and one day… i will find the beauty of love as it was made to be…

love, it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free…
be more like the man you were made to be.
there is a design, an alignment, a cry… of my heart to see…
the beauty of love, as it was made to be…

no more broken hearts.
just promises. grace. submission. hope.

… very exciting hope.